Growing up I definitely had the immense fear of people not liking me because of the way I looked. I have always been a a pear-shaped gal (larger bottom smaller torso) and that would trigger off comments that were both good and bad in middle/high school 😂 So in my mind, if they didn’t like me initially and then got to know me and thought I was annoying or “too much”, it was a devastating thought. So I was a quiet kid, loved movies and tv and playing on my own. It was a lovely childhood, don’t get me wrong, and all kids go through some sort of bullying, unfortunately. But my introversion made me anxious to lose friends when I did have them. And the anxiety made me feel so alien bc I would do anything I could to just be a people pleaser. That was a hard habit to get out of and I lost myself for a while getting into college. I was fortunate to have a school with counselors and understanding parents. These types of attachment responses made me not know who I really was bc I wanted to please everyone. And being myself was all I ever really needed.
I think so many of us carry these quiet fears and half memories of being misunderstood, and it’s so validating to see someone unpack it so openly. You're awesome 😊
Thank you for writing this- it so clearly captures my social experience as well. I have no issue with meeting strangers, but that intermediate period between meeting someone and being friends with them is completely fraught for me. I do think that, for me, this stems from my recently diagnosed autism and the fact that I have to consciously learn social cues rather than picking them up instinctively. I had this experience with dating as well- lots of great first dates, absolutely terrible anxiety-ridden and awkward second dates. I ended up partnered with someone who was already a friend, probably or this very reason. For me (other's experiences will vary), I think it's because there's a general "one size fits all" acceptable behavioral framework for meeting new people. When meeting someone for the first time, there is much less pressure to tune one's behavior to a specific person, because we all collectively understand that we can't do that with strangers. Once you've met someone once or twice, though, there's a new pressure to behave in ways that are attuned to them- and when that attunement is a manual, iterative process learned from trial and error rather than an automated, subconscious process, it is incredibly difficult and stressful. Everyone has different body language and verbal cues about what they like and dislike, and learning those often takes extra time and effort for autistic people. Also, as you pointed out, autistic people do experience social rejection for not learning these things quickly or completely enough, so the fact that the anxiety is rooted in true experience rather than a hypothetical worst case scenario makes it all the more difficult to challenge. This is a really tricky problem to tackle, and well done for putting it out there in the world. I'm right there with you in this experience.
Thank you for sharing your journey of self discovery. As the mother of an adult son with autism spectrum disorder, I appreciate your ability to describe your feelings and thought processes. I applaud your immense courage, talent and heart. 💕😌
I also had selective mutism in secondary school. I would go days, sometimes longer, without talking. My teacher comments were always, “Megan is smart, but I wish she would speak up in class.” I was terrified to speak. I’m diagnosed with anxiety and self-diagnosed autistic. It was actually my husband that said, I think you might be autistic. Have you ever thought about that? It all clicked. It never occurred to me that’s why I felt so different from everyone. Growing up in the 80s and 90s it was thought that only boys were autistic or adhd (at least where I grew up), so they never would’ve tested me. Thank you for sharing. I’ve always thought of myself as cat-like too. I love, love, love cats and felt like they got me.❤️😸
Beautifully written post! Thank you for sharing. I love how you described yourself as a cat! I would say "me too" because as a cat, we have to learn, get to know & trust others before we jump on a lap & accept love & attention. I am also self diagnosed with autism, ADHD & anxiety. I am curious to learn about attachment style, that is something new to me.... In my experience, it takes me a very long time to warm up to new people. We had a new designer join our team. I avoided her for a *full year* because I was scared she was a better designer than me & that she wouldn't like me (I didn't even learn her name, I just called her "new girl"). I'm so sad it took me so long to warm up to her, because once we started talking, we quickly became friends, and I realized that she is one of the most humble, sweet, kind, thoughtful & hilarious people I know! I can't believe I missed out on a full year of this awesome person because of my silly brain 😿💔 Miss Kim-Joy, you are delightful! I love your beautifully designed bakes & sweets! (I also love glimpses of your home on instagram, I wish my home was beautiful & cozy like yours!)
Growing up I definitely had the immense fear of people not liking me because of the way I looked. I have always been a a pear-shaped gal (larger bottom smaller torso) and that would trigger off comments that were both good and bad in middle/high school 😂 So in my mind, if they didn’t like me initially and then got to know me and thought I was annoying or “too much”, it was a devastating thought. So I was a quiet kid, loved movies and tv and playing on my own. It was a lovely childhood, don’t get me wrong, and all kids go through some sort of bullying, unfortunately. But my introversion made me anxious to lose friends when I did have them. And the anxiety made me feel so alien bc I would do anything I could to just be a people pleaser. That was a hard habit to get out of and I lost myself for a while getting into college. I was fortunate to have a school with counselors and understanding parents. These types of attachment responses made me not know who I really was bc I wanted to please everyone. And being myself was all I ever really needed.
I think so many of us carry these quiet fears and half memories of being misunderstood, and it’s so validating to see someone unpack it so openly. You're awesome 😊
Thank you for writing this- it so clearly captures my social experience as well. I have no issue with meeting strangers, but that intermediate period between meeting someone and being friends with them is completely fraught for me. I do think that, for me, this stems from my recently diagnosed autism and the fact that I have to consciously learn social cues rather than picking them up instinctively. I had this experience with dating as well- lots of great first dates, absolutely terrible anxiety-ridden and awkward second dates. I ended up partnered with someone who was already a friend, probably or this very reason. For me (other's experiences will vary), I think it's because there's a general "one size fits all" acceptable behavioral framework for meeting new people. When meeting someone for the first time, there is much less pressure to tune one's behavior to a specific person, because we all collectively understand that we can't do that with strangers. Once you've met someone once or twice, though, there's a new pressure to behave in ways that are attuned to them- and when that attunement is a manual, iterative process learned from trial and error rather than an automated, subconscious process, it is incredibly difficult and stressful. Everyone has different body language and verbal cues about what they like and dislike, and learning those often takes extra time and effort for autistic people. Also, as you pointed out, autistic people do experience social rejection for not learning these things quickly or completely enough, so the fact that the anxiety is rooted in true experience rather than a hypothetical worst case scenario makes it all the more difficult to challenge. This is a really tricky problem to tackle, and well done for putting it out there in the world. I'm right there with you in this experience.
Thank you for sharing your journey of self discovery. As the mother of an adult son with autism spectrum disorder, I appreciate your ability to describe your feelings and thought processes. I applaud your immense courage, talent and heart. 💕😌
This resonates ❤️ I'd never even thought of it like this before....but yes, I can most definitely understand it. Great post Kim-Joy xx
I also had selective mutism in secondary school. I would go days, sometimes longer, without talking. My teacher comments were always, “Megan is smart, but I wish she would speak up in class.” I was terrified to speak. I’m diagnosed with anxiety and self-diagnosed autistic. It was actually my husband that said, I think you might be autistic. Have you ever thought about that? It all clicked. It never occurred to me that’s why I felt so different from everyone. Growing up in the 80s and 90s it was thought that only boys were autistic or adhd (at least where I grew up), so they never would’ve tested me. Thank you for sharing. I’ve always thought of myself as cat-like too. I love, love, love cats and felt like they got me.❤️😸
Beautifully written post! Thank you for sharing. I love how you described yourself as a cat! I would say "me too" because as a cat, we have to learn, get to know & trust others before we jump on a lap & accept love & attention. I am also self diagnosed with autism, ADHD & anxiety. I am curious to learn about attachment style, that is something new to me.... In my experience, it takes me a very long time to warm up to new people. We had a new designer join our team. I avoided her for a *full year* because I was scared she was a better designer than me & that she wouldn't like me (I didn't even learn her name, I just called her "new girl"). I'm so sad it took me so long to warm up to her, because once we started talking, we quickly became friends, and I realized that she is one of the most humble, sweet, kind, thoughtful & hilarious people I know! I can't believe I missed out on a full year of this awesome person because of my silly brain 😿💔 Miss Kim-Joy, you are delightful! I love your beautifully designed bakes & sweets! (I also love glimpses of your home on instagram, I wish my home was beautiful & cozy like yours!)
But I don't know if you like me or not cause I'm confused and stressed still I don't know if you like me more